Friends and Family,
It has been a little while and I hope you are all well. First things first, thank you for reading this and sharing your thoughts about my writing. I am not exactly sure what this will evolve into, but I truly appreciate the love and support. This past weekend marked the halfway point of the teacher training and I have barely shared how powerful this journey has been. Some of you are probably wondering why exactly I have gone into a cave, so this is where I spill the beans.
After the first weekend of training I came down with Shingles. Shingles is a viral infection of the nerves by the same virus as chicken pox, only this time it is back to completely kick your ass. I had heard of older people having Shingles, but I never expected to come down with it myself. Let’s be real for a second, the nerve pain was extremely gnarly for 16 days, I was completely exhausted, and the sexy rash under my armpit lasted for 3 weeks. I felt completely vulnerable with Grant in a very new way. It was so uncomfortable, but in a way it was good, it was accepting, supported, loving, and nurturing. I will forever be grateful for his kind heart.
Grant was wonderful, but in all honesty this was one of my biggest fears. Having some totally uncontrollable freak obstacle that would “ruin” my yoga teacher training. The money would be wasted. I would fail. SHIT STORM ALERT. I felt like this transformation had already slipped through my fingers and it was doomed, before I even knew everyone’s name. At the exact same time, I had just started a brand new job, after recently quitting a job that I loved, out of fear that not having enough money would “ruin” my yoga teacher training. In a way I am sort of obsessed with the thought of not having or being enough. This whole staying home for a whole unproductive week was a disaster zone. I was trapped at home in bed with all of my thoughts. There were a lot of really hard moments. Fear of not being able to overcome the pain and show up authentically in the program haunted me; I got completely wrapped up in the fear. The emotional gunk has hung around for a bit. I am behind in homework and I have not been practicing as much as I would like. I missed a day with the group and I felt completely disconnected. This new job was not what it seemed to be either. It felt like too much. It felt like I did not belong. Greta is such an inspiration, but I was also very intimidated by her. My shadow was telling me that she had formulated thoughts about me as a student, because I had missed class, I was late, and I had not been to any of her studio classes like the others, there was all this negative noise distracting me from reality until this weekend.
This weekend, everything changed.
It was a beautiful love story, told by a visionary goddess and her beloved through the most soulful collection of singing, breathing, story telling, flow, prayer, laughter, magic, and love. We dove deeply into shadow work, knowing and learning to love the deepest parts of ourselves. It will be an ongoing process of course, always digging deeper. We learned the beauty of the fire and nectar, witnessed complete embodiment and unapologetic soul love. I am captivated and truly inspired to transform.
It is so easy to take each day for granted. It is so easy to get busy and put the gift of my body on the back burner. It is so easy to focus on money. It is so easy to fall behind, get caught up in a shit storm, and forget the essence of life, which is love. It is so easy to completely freeze. I am finding that the easy way out feels and looks a lot like being the victim of your own life.
This journey is about showing up, being honest and accepting where I am. I am sharing my journey, because there will be twists and turns throughout, but I belong in this moment. I have the choice to make each day exactly what I want it to be. My home is where I wander, wherever that may be. I am choosing to open my heart and continue to move forward in this process. I am so grateful that I get to live this life with the most wonderful man, family, and friends by my side. I am also so thankful to be sharing this time of growth with amazing people. We are all souls just trying to float on and I appreciate everyone putting up with my shit! Whatever you are up to around this time of year, do it with peace and love!