How did I get here?

I just finished the first weekend of Rasa Yoga Teacher Training and I am SO excited to share some of my thoughts with y’all.

First things first, let’s back up to the week leading up to the training….

I am a MESS. I cannot stop thinking, “what in the hell am I doing? Am I good enough for a teacher training? Do I have to be a flexible yoga goddess in order to complete this? Will I fit in? Why did I sign up for this? I am not ready!!”

So, I showed up and it was wonderful.

Friday evening we met for a beautiful opening ceremony and introduction to the training. We started out with the story of Ganesh, the lord of beginnings and the remover of obstacles. It was a very lovely beginning to this powerful journey together. I felt such a connection in the room. You could feel everyone vibrating with nervousness and excitement. We were all sitting in a circle looking at one another. It became clear that it was finally the time we had all been waiting for… We were going to go around this circle and introduce ourselves.

One of the first questions we were asked to share, “What do you offer this space?” There was no pressure, no expectations, just the first word that comes into your mind. Easy enough, right? Well the first word that came to my mind was authenticity, but I immediately began questioning it. Was I worthy to share authenticity with this group of yogis? Was I really authentic enough to offer authenticity to this entire group of yogis? Could I show up authentically? Yes, because it was the first word that came to mind. No, because the second word that came to mind was love and let’s be honest, who could go wrong with sharing love? It seemed like the better answer. I was one of the last ones to share and by that time I had decided love was what I was going to say with a big smile on my face! Then it was my turn and I blurted out.

“My name is MaryKathryn and my offer is authenticity, I was going to lie and say love, but authenticity was the first thing that came to mind.”

WHAT

THE

FUCK

Why did I just say that? It just came out like word vomit for everyone in the room to hear. What were they thinking? I was so embarrassed, but just like that we moved on and I sort of forgot about it because the moment had passed.  I was able to let go of it and not completely obsess and stress over how it made anyone else feel.  We held the space, honored it, and moved on.

Then the question of, “How did you get here?” Well I knew this question was bound to come up, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be to answer in the moment. I had been meditating and dreaming of this experience for years now. I wanted to transform and grow into my voice. I wanted to show up authentically and unashamed. I felt inspired by the community and teachers. Everything felt so right. I wanted to show my intentions and be completely dedicated to this beautiful journey with everyone.

The question how did I get here washed over me, as it was my turn to speak. Authenticity popped into my head. Fear burned in my belly. I had 1 minute and 45 seconds to explain to this bunch of strangers how I ended up here and explain my journey and I completely froze. Autopilot kicked in before I even took a second to calm down, I blurted out my rehearsed usual shame and blame story that I had been spitting for years. About a minute or so in, I heard myself and realized that this was part of it. This was a key moment.  This was my opportunity to transform. I honestly and vulnerably began to share a little bit of how I truly ended up in this moment with the remaining seconds and I am extremely thankful.

Now the rest of that evening and weekend was spent in deep magical reflection as we practiced together and studied the roots.

Yoga has been a safe space where I can truly connect with myself on an intimate level. I can really feel and listen to my body. I am here, because I am ready to learn more about this connection and let go of the fear of not being enough. I am ready to commit to growth. I am truly grateful for everything in my life BECAUSE it has led me to this moment!  I will admit that fear is still completely paralyzing for me, but what I we have a choice in each moment to either let fear win or overcome it. I believe that the more we slow down and truly show up even if it is just for a few seconds, the easier it will get.

Be the flow through the twists and turns of life. Reclaim your sacred ground.

xoxo

MK


2 thoughts on “How did I get here?

  1. I know I’m a little late to read this BUT…Oh My Goodness. This makes me so happy! You’re words are truly an inspiration and I can’t wait to hear all about your journey. 🙂 way to go girlfriend!!

    Liked by 1 person

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